My Dysfunctional Writing Practice

When I started down this path, I could never have imagined all the factors that would both help and hurt me. I was like “Writing? Yeah. I’ve been do that for years. Piece of cake.” Ha! Right. I dabbled. I ranted and raved in journals. I wrote snippets of stories. Never finished anything. Never put myself out there. But this is a whole other ballgame. One that I struggle to play.

Now that I’ve gotten serious in my intention, it’s ridiculously hard. To be authentic and honest. To get to the heart of the story. That’s hard work. It’s vulnerable work. And I’ve never been good at vulnerable. It takes courage to do this. I never understood that before. I never realized how much of the writer’s soul goes onto the page. Fiction, non-fiction, doesn’t matter. Honestly, I don’t know if I’m cut out for this.

So why do it? The short answer is because if I want to be true to myself, I can’t not.

I’ve always been a writer of words, but it was always on the surface. I’ve only in the last few years become a writer from my soul. Delving into the depths to pull up the truth. Slicing myself to the quick to get to the goods. And it hurts. But one of those good pains. Like scratching a bug bite, poking a bruise, or rough sex. It’s cathartic. It stirs things up. Rebreaks old hurts so they can heal right. It forces shifts in perspective. Makes you realize that some of your beliefs that you’ve clung to so tightly are bullshit. It is painful. It is exhausting. But to me, it feels so right to do it. And so wrong to not.

So, I write.

Every morning, I write morning pages. This is a free form journaling practice that I got into as part of The Artist’s Way twelve-week course by Julia Cameron. Every morning, I write a minimum of approximately three hundred words in my journal (I averaged how many words I write long hand per page in my journal and approximate it…no one has the patience to count). It is about anything in my head. I don’t censor; I don’t pretty it up. I just write. Often, dreams go in there. Immediate concerns. Intentions for the day. Gripes. Anything and everything. Sometimes, I write way more than three hundred words. Sometimes, I struggle to get even that much on the page, and I end up with gems like this excerpt:

6/9/20

I’m groggy this morning.

I got part of the article written yesterday. Struggling to find words this morning.

I’m going to have oatmeal with blueberries for breakfast again. Still struggling.

Words. Words are tricky. Words are difficult. Words sometimes allude me. I know one of the things Julia Cameron talks about is if you don’t know what to write, write that over and over until the words come.

I don’t know what to write.

I don’t know what to write.

LOL. I don’t think I’ve ever had to resort to that…and I stalled out again. <Forehead slap>

Nice huh?

Another thing I learned from Julia, is to take breaks during the week to re-charge my creative batteries so to speak. She calls it an artist date. It’s a block of time doing something you love. Just you, without others around to influence or worry about. Doesn’t matter what it is. Go to a museum, try a new restaurant, cook yourself a meal, take a nap. It’s a self-care act just for you. She also recommends a long walk at least once a week in another course of hers that I am currently working through called Finding Water. I haven’t gotten around to implementing this one every week, but I’m working on it.

I schedule writing time for my articles and fiction throughout the week. To be honest, I’ve been struggling to actually sit down and write during these times lately, but I still schedule them. Religiously. I do not schedule anything else during these times. Period.

Having these consistencies as part of my actual writing process is great. They are minimum standards I try my damnedest to adhere to. But I have found that there is so much more to it. I would never have believed how many things affect my writing practice. Spoiler alert: It’s way more than just getting to the writing. A healthy diet. Getting enough sleep and exercise. Just letting go and playing! Cultivating positive relationships. Indulging in hobbies. Keeping my external stress factors down. Feeling safe and comfortable in my environment. In short, having a healthy, balanced life is crucial to my practice.

I’ve already talked about the importance of routine in a previous article ( found here), and that helps tremendously. The more physically and emotionally settled and positive I get, the more and better writing I do. Does this mean that I run around all Mary Sunshine all the time? Hell no. If you’ve read my last couple of check in’s, you know that I’m having a rough time with the warm and fuzees right now. But for the first time in a long time, I’m letting myself feel all the feels. I’m not running away from it. I’m not burying it. I’m not masking it. I’m also not feeding it. It’s a delicate balance.

If I neglect my sleep, or I don’t get enough exercise, or if my diet is shit, I can’t find the motivation to follow through with doing my minimums. If I let it, resistance creeps into my life. The tv becomes my best friend. Too much alcohol is consumed. I stay up way too late at night. And something that I found even more surprising? Reading can be a form of resistance! Crazy, I know.

All writers should read. According to some, we should read more than we write. I am firmly in this camp. But, in the past few weeks, I have found myself having marathon reading sessions. Hours and hours with no breaks, consuming books and short stories at a rate that is unprecedented even for a bookworm like myself. I sit down to write and suddenly my mind wanders back to the paranormal romance I have queued up on my Nook that I only have fifty pages left of that is soooooo good. I tell myself, I just NEED to finish it and then I’ll get to my writing. But then I get to the end and find out there is another book in the series and suddenly I’ve settled in to continue with the trend, my writing forgotten.

The point is that ‘too much of a good thing’ is a problem.

Taking care of myself I’ve come to realize is just as important for my writing as the act of writing itself. These past few weeks, I’ve struggles with the self-care stuff, so naturally my writing has suffered as a result. We have all heard the stereotype of the drunken, angry, crazy, unhealthy genius writer. And no doubt, they do exist. We have many examples. But I believe there are many more out there that are like me. Those of us that need to feel settled and safe in our environments and balanced in other parts of our life before we can let go enough to let the vulnerable writer in us out to play.

This was a hard pill to swallow at first. It sometimes seems very counterintuitive. I, like many others, have always had a hard time being nice to myself. To wrap my head around the thought that the answer is not to get angry and tough with myself was difficult. Even more so, that sometimes the way to write more and better is not always simply to tell yourself to sit your ass in the damn chair, but to take a nap? Unheard of. But I’m learning…slowly, stubbornly…that the better I treat myself, the more and better content I write. Who knew?

As of this article, I have yet to find a full balance. I have days I am crazy productive with the writing. I get my exercise in, I eat nutritious meals, I spend time with friends, and I feel pretty good about life in general. Unfortunately, I have many more in which I struggle to just focus on the basics. My writing during these periods, if I do any at all, is flat and dull and doesn’t touch those places inside that hurt so good to access. I keep working towards consistency in my days, building healthier habits, and working on my writing. Who knows, maybe someday I’ll be able to sit and write fully engaged, heart open and bleeding on the page anytime I want. One can only dream.

What do you find helps or hinders your creative practice of choice?

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