Change is hard, even when you want it

Do you ever look around and think “Really, this is it? This is all I get?”

I used to. My overwhelming emotion was profound disappointment. The heart wrenching, aching gut type of disappointment. I wasn’t happy with anything. I was angry at the universe. It started in my mid-twenties and got worse the older I got. It’s a long story, and in the interest of trying to keep this shorter, I’ll spare you the gory details and skip to the breaking point.

After finishing grad school, I moved back in with my parents. As independent as I am, I took it very hard and felt like a failure for it. I got a job, so I could pay the bills while I tried to build a career in my field. Three years managed to fly by. After countless applications and inquiries (and begging and pleading), I was no closer to getting what I wanted. I’m sad to say, I became disgusted by the whole thing and eventually stopped trying.

Much to my horror, I discovered that I was really good at the ‘just for now’ company. I moved up a little, and then transferred across the country and moved up a little more. Then I hit a wall. When I tried for my next promotion, I was told by the GM that I was needed where I was. Period. There were many other things about the job I’d been powering through at the promise of being successful. After five years, my knowledge and seniority had made me a landing place for a lot of issues that shouldn’t have been my responsibility, but there wasn’t anyone else to deal with it. It was stressful. The pay was bad, and the ridiculous number of hours I put in made any kind of meaningful life outside of work incredibly difficult.

After my transfer, I began a relationship with a man who was the closest thing to a soul mate I’d ever met. I was with him for two years and was subsequently heartbroken when we realized it just wasn’t going to work. This is also a very long story. Suffice it to say, it all forced me to mature a bit and made me a little jaded.

By 35, I was still miserable. I was still angry. I was physically tired. My work hours were long; I was burnt out. And I was emotionally tired too. Tired of being miserable. Tired of being disappointed in everything. In addition to my job and my broken heart, there were many other things about my life I was unhappy with. The list was long and I felt trapped. I coped by blaming my circumstances on anything I could. And I started drinking and eating more and more. I cried myself to sleep more nights than I didn’t. I spent everyday bitching to whomever would listen about how I had been handed the short straw. I was a peach to deal with.

One day, during this time, I got a phone call from my mom. I had just gotten back from an overnight visit with my sister. The rant started as soon as I picked up the phone. In that particular instance, I was complaining about how messy she was and how stressful it was when I was at her place, among other things. And my wonderful mother interrupted me to point out that I wasn’t exactly the neatest person either.

“But,” I complained, “I’m stressed, and I don’t have energy after working my sixth 12-hr day in a row, and this apartment is too small, and there is so much crap in here…” It went on for a while.

“That may all be true, but you’re still just as messy.” She said in a joking manner, and then immediately moved on to why she had called in the first place.

That comment stayed with me through the conversation and long after the call ended. I was just as messy, but I had convinced myself that it wasn’t my fault. It was my job’s fault. I had too much stuff, etc. I WAS tired, I WAS stressed, but how many nights did I make the choice to plop down on the couch and watch tv rather than taking ten minutes to wash dishes, or pack up a box of clothes to donate. No, I was content to just live in it and complaint about it.

How many things did I complaint about, blaming it on someone/thing else without taking any action to fix it? Once I started admitting it to myself, the answer was a lot. I’d been making excuses my whole life. Blaming anyone and anything that I could, so I didn’t have to blame the true culprit. Myself. Such a profound insight from such an innocuous comment.

“It is what it is, because you let it be so.” Susy Kassem

There’s always a choice to make. It may be a shitty A or B that’s presented to you, but it’s still a choice. Even things you have no control over, you can still choose how you respond to it. At the end of the day, I was responsible for where I was and how I felt about it. The choice had always been mine to make.

Once I accepted that hard truth (which admittedly took a while, I can be very stubborn), I made myself a promise: I will take responsibility for my own happiness.

This shift in thinking was the beginning, but I quickly realized I had no idea how to go about making it happen. So, I started educating myself. I read books and articles about it, watched YouTube videos and TED talks. Some opinions I liked and agreed with. Some I did not. It got me thinking, not just reacting to my life. For the first time in a long time, I thought about what was REALLY important to me. Then I started writing down goals and creating daily intensions. I started a bullet journal to keep track of all of it. And I got to work:

1. I got a new job. It still isn’t my dream job, but it ticked off a lot of boxes that helped me get moving in the right direction.

2. I worked on my problem with mess. To start, I made like Marie Kondo and had a massive declutter and now make an effort to stay on top of it.

3. I also decided that I finally wanted to take my writing seriously. Now, I make time to write nearly every day.

4. I always worried that I was wasting my life. The days often passed me by without even waving. Weeks and months, even years flew by while I despaired over the sorry state of my life. So, I’ve started reading about mindfulness and finding wonder in the mundane.

I continue to educate myself in any area I feel needs work: body image, my writing, time management, productivity etc. The big stuff and countless other little things, from making sure I’m flossing everyday, to getting to bed at a consistent time, to filling out my gratitude log. All of these changes are adding up to big stuff.

“It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop.” Confucius

As someone who’s been doing this a few years now, it is NOT easy. In fact, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I get frustrated with myself. I back slide. I get impatient. I sometimes question whether it’s all worth it. But then I take a deep breath and remind myself how far I’ve come. I try to remember that change takes time and everything counts. One positive change in perspective. One little win, no matter how small. Then I start again. Sometimes I start again five times a day.

I only get one shot at this messy, contradictory, amazing, frustrating little life of mine. I don’t want to look back in thirty years and wish and regret. That helps to keep me going.

I’m not angry at the universe anymore. I’ve forgiven myself for being neglectful of my life for so long. I’m even learning to ignore that nasty voice in my head and not be too harsh on myself when I do have a setback. I’m a constant work in progress. I've accepted that I always will be. I’ve realized that life can never be picture perfect. But it can be perfect for me. And that’s good enough in my book.

Do you have any stories about little wins? Times of transformation in your life? If so, please share below. I’d love to hear from you.

(Below, I’ve included a short, and totally incomplete list of resources that I’ve learned from)

The Happiness Project by Getchen Rubin (www.gretchenrubin.com)

Oola: Find Balance by Dave Brown and Troy Amdahl (www.oolalife.com)

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown (www.brenebrown.com)

The Bullet Journal Method by Ryder Carroll (www.bulletjournal.com)

Body Kindness by Rebecca Schritchfield (www.bodykindnessbook.com)

The Minimalists, podcast by Joshua Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus (www.theminimalists.com)

The Ground Up Show, podcast by Matt D’Avella (www.mattdavella.com)

Pick Up Limes, YouTube, by Sadia Badiei (www.pickuplimes.com)